Tuesday, November 6, 2012....election day? The day after Monday? Halfway to hump day? Just a Tuesday? No. Known only to me as the hardest day of my life so far, probably the first of many "hardest days of my life as a mother". To say that no one truly prepares you for this would definitely be an understatement. I half way dreaded going back to work but honestly, I thought I wouldn't be that big of a deal. How could it? I've worked since I was 16 and always prided myself on being a super busy person. Work and being on the go is just like second nature to me. Me? A stay at home mother? NEVER.....oh how life has a way of swiftly waking you up. What I didn't take in to account was the fact that I have carried this baby with me since day one. We shared a body for 9 months where my heart was her home and everywhere I went I was never alone. Once she was born I spent nearly every single day with her for the the first 3 months of her life. Yeah, I'd say we were a bit connected. Throw all these things together to equal the most emotional bond I have ever had to any one person in my whole life. Now I have to leave her 4 days a week for 10 long hours a day? What? It sounded like asking me to cut my arm off and figure out how to thrive suddenly. Oh my the tears. I started crying about it about two weeks prior to the day. At least once a day and at random times. Giving her a bath on Saturday night and look at her and see how happy she makes me, start crying. Sing songs to her in the morning and see her smile big at me, start crying. Good gravy, I could take one look at her and already feel myself missing her, start crying. It was tough to live here with me for quite a while. Just an emotional mess ready to explode at any minute.
Well as the days got closer, the tears got heavier and more frequent. Once a day at least and all out sobbing. I kept thinking, "where are all these tears coming from? You would think I have nothing left anymore." I finally gave in to the inevitable and with some good advice from some good mommy friends, just let it all out when I felt it. It helped some. The big day came just like I wished it wouldn't. I foolishly thought it must be a bad dream and spent many a day trying to come up with anything I could do to make money from home. I had some pretty ridiculous ideas by the way, private ideas because I knew it was too silly to share. I kept thinking, ok, someone's gonna come save me from this....Ed Mcmahon, Donald Trump, Pat Sajak?? Anyone? Ummmm...I'd like to solve the puzzle please! Yep, ideas like that is what I had. BUUUTT...nope, no Publisher's Clearing House knocking on my door, no invitation to spin the big wheel, and I'm pretty sure I would be the worst Apprentice television has ever seen. So, the grind was inevitable as I already well knew. The night before I cried myself to sleep nearly as I told Jason that laying in bed on the night before work just really took me back to the night I went into labor with her, since that was the last day I worked it felt very Deja Vu-ish.
Presley held my hand that night for support, it's almost as if she was saying, "we can do it mama, let's be strong!"
That morning I got ready for work, almost in a panic as it was so unfamiliar. I couldn't remember what all I would need. Lunch. Coffee. Cup for water. Badge. Keys. Jacket (because I stay cold at work). And let's not even start on what all I had to pack for Presley in her little bag. She woke up about 5 am, her normal time. I fed her and usually we would go back to sleep till about 8. Today I held her as she fell back asleep for about 15 minutes and then I got up and got in the shower. Everything went really smoothly getting her ready and myself after all. After we were all set and loaded and she was looking so sweet
We jumped in the car and headed and to daycare to start our new daily routine. Jason and I went together since we both wanted to get her settled and be a support system for each other. We knew it would be a tough day and we would be worried. We got her all settled in her new little baby room and gave the teachers a quick run down on her daily's (of course, I typed out a detailed schedule for her including survival tips that make Presley happy). It was important to me that her needs be met in the same manner I would tend to them. Well, I know that was pretty unrealistic but a close second wouldn't be all that bad. When it was time to go I made it out the door without crying, until we got outside and I turned my back. Jason congratulated me, "You did good babe". Too late. The tears were already flowing.
I wailed on the way to work. Tried to hold it together somewhat as I didn't want to reapply ALL my makeup. But I definitely had it in tow. I was prepared. Getting back to work was so super hard but I was welcomed with the most amazing amount of encouragement, support, and excitement! Dr. Simmons nearly squealed when he saw me and the feeling was mutual! I was so glad to get back to seeing everyone it made missing my little P-Mo hurt just a little less. By about 3 o clock I was so ready for the day to end so I could get back home to her. Unfortunately my day doesn't end till 5:30 and then include the drive from Little Rock back to Benton. I did manage to leave a little early so that I was able to get back to Benton and pick her up myself. Well, her day had not gone nearly as well as I had hoped. I'm sure being in a new place and a new schedule certainly threw her off and I could tell she hadn't rested as well and was pretty worn out. We went home and she got settled in for a good nap. A nap I could barely wake her up from...This chick was T.I.R.E.D!!!
To make a long story short, Presley's day 2 was a little better and every day after that, a little better still. We got into the groove of things and while nothing about it was easy, we survived week one of daycare! I was more than thankful I went back for a short week and I couldn't wait for Friday to spend all day with her. Since I have Fridays off I knew I would be looking forward to those morning sleeping sessions with her again.
Like I said, nothing easy at all about it but I know that people do it all the time and now we are among them. Being at work definitely has it perks, I get to socialize with adults, see all my great patients and catch up with them and their pregnancies, share happy news of new babies (for example I got to share the joy of the news of a set of twins with a couple this week, their first pregnancy. The tears of joy warmed my heart). And I also get to enjoy my Presley at night. It's a short time together but the time with her is far less wasted and almost more appreciated. I find the energy to do for her and with her when I feel like all the energy has already been drained 4 hours ago. Obviously I'm biased but I think that sweet smile could light up the darkest room, who couldn't find it inside to keep pushing. So all in all, I guess you could say we are doing ok...and not at all waiting for that Publisher's Clearing House van to pull right up to our front door ; )
Cheers,
Hard workin' mama
